Tatonka, The Great……

As a lot of you may know, I adopted a Newfoundland dog this past fall named Tatonka. But I have to clear something up. Ever since the movie ‘Dances With Wolves’ came out, most people think Tatonka means ‘The Great Buffalo.’ That would be a false bit of “movie myth.” It actually means ‘The Great Chick Magnet!’

Seriously, if I had known Tonka would have garnered so much attention from the opposite sex, I would have gotten him long ago. I tried having a gay brother…..that worked okay. I tried having incredibly adorable niece’s and a nephew….that also worked okay. But Holy Moly if Tonka isn’t the best aphrodisiac in the world. Within the first couple of days of having him I filled up my social calendar with ‘play dates’ and gathered more phone numbers than I had in 20 years of dating!

Tonka Snow

What baffles me is that for years I tried the very technique that Tonka uses himself in attracting women; Big, furry and drools a lot. Heck, my name even means ‘dog’ in Hebrew. But it only worked as a chick repellant in my case. Maybe I should have employed his other technique of keeping my mouth shut.

When we go on walks it takes us a good third again as long because of all the attention he draws. I’ve had women roll down their car windows to holler “I love your dog!” He’s even been cat called by passersby on the pedestrian bridge; people asking for their pictures taken with him……and I’m sure they would ask for an autograph if he could write. I have officially lost my own identity as Caleb, I am now known as ‘Tonka’s owner’, or ‘That guy with the really big dog.’ I’m thinking about having a special vest made for him that says “At the end of this leash is my buddy Caleb. He’s just as cuddly and a much better kisser.”

At At

It could just be his size. I mean, everybody loves a big dog and he is certainly one of the tallest Newfies I have come across. Tonka is so big that a lot of dogs just cower with a ‘WTF’ look on their faces. Tonka is so big that while riding in the car he has his head out one window and his tail out the opposite one. Tonka is so big that when he does stick his head out the window, my car quickly veers to that direction and my gas mileage drops by 5 gallons. Tonka is so big that his dog house is called The Taj MaTonka.

And it’s always entertaining what people say when they first meet him; ‘Jesus, how much does he eat?’ ‘That’s a horse, not a dog.’ ‘Where do you put the saddle?’ Of course my favorite is when they ask if he likes cats. I just smile and respond ‘He does. He just doesn’t find them all that filling.’

But what he does get called most often is ‘Handsome.’ His Landseer coloring (black and white) gives him a very regal look. Almost like he is wearing a kings robe. And he truly has one of the softest and silkiest coats you’ll ever see on a dog. A very handsome dog indeed.

In all honesty, I really do appreciate all the attention he gets. He leaves a trail of happy smiling faces wherever he goes. And THAT makes me a very proud and happy Caleb. But I still  think I need a John Deere to transport him in. ;-)

TaTonka

Sex Happens

“I believe we should make the world a better place for our children. But not for our children’s children. I don’t think children should be having sex.” ~ Jack Handy

Recently, I had a friend read my blog for the first time — her response was “What about sex?”

It was a great question. I mean after all, this is a blog about dating, and last time I checked, dating usually involved sex. So, why hadn’t I written about the one topic that is sure to get my blog more hit’s than a video of a cute kitten stuffing itself into a shoebox? Perhaps it was because as a society, the topic tends to be taboo and off limits. Or because I did’t want to incriminate any of my past partners. But most likely, it was because I was too busy watching that damn kitten video with 40 million other people who had plenty of better things to do, but just cant get enough of the cute and fuzzies!!

Then I remembered a sage piece of advice I once offered a friend who was trying to conceive; She and her husband were newly married and working on getting pregnant with their first child. But they weren’t having much success early on……and it wasn’t from a lack of trying. Then, when she found out that people knew they were trying to get pregnant, she got a little defensive because “We were basically telling people they were having sex.” My response was simple, “Sex Happens!” More specifically, 10 million times an hour. And that’s just by NBA players and gay men!

To take the scientific approach, I shall list the pros and cons of sex!

CON’s
1- Babies.
Oh sure, some of you are thinking this should be in the pro category. Especially since thats the reason we were given those particular body parts in the first place. (At least thats what the scientists, doctors and my mother keeps reminding me of.)

2- Marriage.
In some cases, sex leads to babies, and babies lead to marriage. (Another point my mother keeps reminding me of.)

3- Divorce.
Please see the cycle mentioned above.

4- Um, yeah, I got nothing else.

PRO’s
1- Okay seriously, I shouldn’t have to tell you what the pros to sex are. If you don’t know, something is highly amiss and I suggest you consult either a sex therapist, such as; Dr. Ruth, Dr. Phil, or Dr. Frank-N-Furter. Or you could quiz your favorite NBA star.

Now, I’m sure all you math brains out there just totaled up the fact that the Cons out number the Pros 4 to 1. Well, as I’ve been told multiple times in a very reassuring and compassionate tone; when it comes to sex, it’s the quality not the quantity that matters!

As the Bloodhound Gang so poetically stated it, “You and me baby ain’t nothin but mammals, so lets do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel.”

So what’s the point of such a random blog? Simple; Sex Happens! It just needs to happen a little more often on the back of a John Deere! ;-)

Wookie Wingman

A long time ago in a blog far, far away……..I used to write.  Lets just say I got lost in the swamps of the Dagobah System and leave it at that!  But since this is a dating blog, its a moral imperative that I write about Valentines Day.  Or as I like to call it, Wookie Wingman Day!!

Having been single on almost every Valentines Day of my adult life, it just doesn’t have the same allure to me that it might for most people. Please don’t get me wrong, this is totally not a “woe is caleb” post. It’s more along the lines of a “WTF, are you a Wookie or something?!” post.  And as a matter of fact, I am, a Wookie Wingman.  What’s a Wookie Wingman you ask?!?! Beats the fur-balls out of me. But I’m sure we can make something up:

  • If you’ve ever taken your best friends girlfriend out to dinner on Valentines Day because he was frozen in carbonite, You may be a Wookie Wingman.
  • If you’ve ever watched a Star Wars marathon on Valentines Day, (including episodes 1, 2 and 3) because you didn’t have a date, You may be a Wookie Wingman.
  • If your best friend has ever been rejected by a woman with the line “I’d rather kiss a Wookie!”  You may be a Wookie Wingman. This one does in fact work in your favor; IF it’s Christmas time, IF she is standing under the mistletoe, and IF she happens to be a bit tipsy!
  • If you’ve ever saved a beautiful Princess from her own deeply dark and disturbed father, only to have her hook up with your best friend,  You may be a Wookie Wingman.
  • If you’ve ever completely rebuilt the most annoying droid in the known galaxy just to have him call you names instead of getting a thanks, You may be a Wookie Wingman.
  • And finally, if your best friend is named Han Solo, You may be a Wookie Wingman.

                                                                              Wookie Wingman

In all actuality, being a Wookie Wingman on Valentines Day really isn’t all that bad.  It’s a heck of a lot cheaper. You do get to carry around a blaster and are the co-pilot for the Millennium Falcon. (Chicks totally dig pilots)  Then, when you do take your best friends girlfriend out, you come out looking like a Super Hero…….and you don’t have to have all that stupid human sex afterwards. (Yes, even a Wookie knows how to speak sarcasm)

And if I’m not mistaken, all a woman really wants is a guy that is loyal, dependable, cuddly, and knows how to use his blaster. (We’ll ignore the shedding, bad hygiene, mood swings and ball licking)  But he does exist; you just have to repaint the Millennium Falcon green and yellow and he’ll follow you anywhere!

Happy Valentines Day, and may the force be with you! :-)

Zen and the Art of Manscaping

  • I’m so hairy that my barber charges me by the square foot.
  • I’m so hairy that I was cast as King Kong’s stunt double.
  • I’m so hairy that my cat is allergic to me.
  • I’m so hairy that when I finally go bald, my comb-over will come from my left shoulder.

I think you all get the point; I’m a furry fellow. I’ve had to learn to embrace it over the years…and then I had to learn to manscape it!!

Manscaping

Urban Dictionary definitions:

- A fine art form exclusive to men; the continued upkeep of exceptional hygiene and strategic hair removal as they pertain to the male body.

- A mans grooming of his body hair. Like landscaping, but for the body.

My definition:

- A true test of how much your brothers love you because you ask them to do your back.

As I mentioned above, I did embrace my furry self for quite some time. “Be proud of the gifts god has bestowed upon you, Caleb.” ~~ It really does have it’s advantage’s from time to time;  The fur coat does keep me warm in the winter, and has an SPF of 50 in the summer. That coupled with the scientifically proven fact that a mountain lion will never attack anything hairier than itself, being a furry fellow certainly can be a blessing.

But then there’s the shedding, the grooming, and the howling at the full moon. I even lost sight of my tattoo at one point because the old growth forest had gotten so dense. What’s a furry fellow to do?!?!

About a year and a half ago I decided to go for it…..here’s what I have learned:

  • If you’re gonna clipper, DON’T go to the lowest setting. It makes the fur all prickly and NOBODY likes to cuddle with a porcupine! Not even a porcupine!
  • Next, don’t even bother with trying to shave it either. It may feel all silky smooth for a couple days but the itching that comes with it is worse than napping in a bed of poison ivy! And then you still have to deal with the whole porcupine thing too.
  • Finally, make sure that before you start, there is a “willing” volunteer around to finish your back for you. Nothing worse than running around for a few days looking like a chia-pet……especially if you are a raft guide!

To wax, or not to wax?

I’m honestly not quite sure how I feel about waxing just yet. I mean that scene in Forty Year Old Virgin still gives me nightmares and I really am a wuss when it comes to pain. But I have decided that if I do decide to wax, it needs to be for some sort of charity or good cause. I’m thinking as a fundraiser for Colorado Animal Rescue. We’ll call it “Caleb’s Hair for C.A.R.E.!!” The tag line could read “A hair-raising experience.”

But when it’s all said and done, I have become quite fond of the new fur-free Caleb. I can once again see the constellation of the Big Dipper made out of freckles on my chest, my shampoo budget has been cut in half, and the Dian Fossey Institute is no longer camped in my front yard.  Besides, I can always grow it back in the event of an apocalyptic ice age. I just wish that Locks for Love would accept my donations.

And to answer that question that is lurking in those dirty minds of yours; does he Manscape “Everything?”  I guess you’ll just have to buy a John Deere to find out. :-)

Does This Make Me a Lesbian?!

No, it’s not just a catchy title. It’s another chapter from the dating life of Caleb M. Liston.

If you look at the list of woman I have been romantically involved with over the course of my dating history you will find that about half of them have either been bisexual or previously identified as lesbian. Please don’t think this blog is about me “bragging.”  (We all know what guys fantasize about…….and for the record, my idea of a threesome is; Me and Her on a John Deere) It’s more about me questioning why. What is it that makes me attractive to a woman who is typically attracted to other women? It’s certainly not a physical thing. Sexually, the women that identified as lesbian weren’t turned on by the male body, per se. And I certainly don’t have any feminine physical traits, as a matter of fact, I look absolutely horrendous in tights and a tutu………that’s from experience, and a story for another blog!

So why date a man, why me?  The only answer I have come up with so far is that it’s an emotional attraction. My experience has shown that most women (straight and gay) are more turned on emotionally rather than physically. Not all, and not all the time, but still a high percentage.  I am just shooting from the hip here, but I feel like there has been a significant emotional disconnect and overly protected sense of self in the world around us. I highly recommend watching Brene’ Browns TED talk on vulnerability to get a better understanding of what I am talking about, for this applies to all sexual orientations and all relationships.

And so the reason I am attractive to women who identify as either bisexual or lesbian is because of where I’m at emotionally.  We are all seeking a sense of connection in our relationships. And I just happen to connect with them on the emotional plane they are seeking, and it doesn’t matter if I have a penis or vagina.

Of course this is all just theory and conjecture on my part, and I really should just ask them someday.

So what has happened with these women since our time together? Some have continued to seek male companionship, others, female. Never has it been my goal to try and “convert” anybody. And just like all the relationships I have created in my life, they have all remained my friends. I believe everyone comes into our lives for a reason. All contributing some piece to our story and theirs.

Now I know the question you have all been asking yourselves as you read this blog is, “What on earth does this have to do with John Deere?” The simple truth is, nothing. Nothing to do with the women at least. I have yet to find any correlation between being Lesbian and liking John Deere’s. But it has everything to do with me. Loving John Deere’s and writing this blog is about me being me. Being honest and real to myself. And when it comes down to it, isn’t that the most attractive quality we look for in a mate? For if a person cannot be honest with themselves, how are they gonna be honest with us? To thine own self be true. Or as I like to say; To thine own self own a John Deere!! :-)

Cyber Bait

One Fish

Two Fish

Red Fish

Plenty of Fish

For years I wholeheartedly rejected the idea of online dating. There was just something about it that gave me the heebie-jeebies. Then one day a close friend did her darnedest to talk me into it….. ’1 in 6 relationships start online’ ‘It’s safe and nobody gets hurt’ ‘Everybody’s doing it’…. Even though she did spin a pretty good yarn, I was still reluctant. To me, online dating was a sell out, a last ditch effort of a desperate man. What if I failed at finding ‘her’ there? Or scarier yet, what if I SUCCEEDED at finding ‘her’ there? The fear of success is almost more crippling than the fear of failure. I’m sure that if I wrote a book about all the conversations that take place in my head, it would mostly likely fall into one of these categories; Humorous, Sci-Fi or Really, That’s What You’re Going With?!

Anywho, I bit the bullet almost 2 years ago and joined eHarmony. I only generated a spattering of interest but did go on a date with a gal who; get this, had the exact same birthday, and birth year as my sister. Um yeah, like that isn’t a little creepy! To be honest she was a sweet gal but we just didn’t click.

After taking a 9 month hiatus I got back on in the early part of last summer. But this time I had a sure fire winner; Farmersonly.com! Where else is a guy looking for a woman with a John Deere supposed to go?!?!  My profile read ‘Single White Male seeks Single Female with a John Deere. Please send picture…..of the tractor.’   I did however find some success again and dated a wonderful woman for a bit that summer. But as it turned out we just weren’t compatible, she liked…….GASP……Kubota!!

Since then I’ve tried Plentyoffish and Match and am starting to wonder if  online dating just isn’t for me. Maybe cyberspace has become too common for this common man. I might actually have to go back to traditional methods for meeting members of the opposite sex; The Grocery Store, Aunt Edna’s mailman’s niece’s roommate or maybe even CHURCH! (Are you reading this, Pastor Jeff?)

Here are a few tips if you are considering online dating:

  • Avoid any site that mentions “Eastern Block Women.”
  • No matter how intriguing it sounds, Meet-an-inmate.com is a BAD IDEA, period!
  • If a women’s profile contains more grammatical errors than my own blog and her pic looks like it came from Maxim Magazine, SHE’S NOT REAL!!!
  • Finally, you’re better off creating your own dating site. I’m thinking about creating a Jewish site called Yenta.com.  And at the very least you can always start your own cheesy dating blog. ;)

Well, with all that being said, I do have to give credit where credit is do. I do have friends that met online and are happily in love. And even though I have not found ‘her,’ I have made some good friends along the journey.

So, will I continue to peruse cyberspace looking for my John Deere-Woman, or  just “cruise the fairgrounds for 4H babes” instead? Only time will tell.

For The Love Of Love Songs

For the love of everything that is squishy, mushy and holy, what is it with our infatuation with Love Songs!?!? When you are in love, they are the sweetest, most amazing songs in the world. But as soon as that break up happens, those same songs that once held so much hope and promise for a beautifully long life with your significant someone, have now become a dagger that stabs you in the back when you hear the first bar of that same pathetic, no good excuse for what someone mistakenly thought was music.

At first you feel as if the writer had climbed into your head and completely read your thoughts.  So poetically capturing the emotions welling up inside of you.  Then we go so far as to actually compiling the cheesiest of the cheesy onto a mixed tape! In the 1980′s we made tapes with such gems as; “Sweet Child O’ Mine” “Lovesong” “With Or Without You” and of course no tape would be complete without Journey’s “Open Arms.”

In the 90′s the only thing that changed was instead of tapes we had now progressed to CD’s.  We still made the worst looking CD covers for our new creations, now featuring songs sappier than, well, sappier than me. Even Grammy winners like; “Kiss From A Rose” “Everything I Do” “The Power Of Love”  and let’s not forget, Lonestar’s “Amazed.”

Now that we are well into the 21st Century, new songs are still created daily that weep with the greatest of all human emotions.  But we have now moved passed tapes and CD’s and progressed all the way to Youtube and Facebook.  Calling on literally hundreds of thousands of songs and videos to convey our feelings towards the women and tractors that we love.  And only god, my exes, facebook, all my facebook friends and I guess all her facebook friends…….well shoot, probably everybody in cyber-world knows how much I have abused Youtube in professing my undying love for those women.

But maybe the best love song to come out of the 21st Century isn’t actually an original, but rather one that combines the best of the best into one magically beautiful piece; “Elephant Love Medley” from Moulin Rouge. Baz Luhrmann so gracefully created……Blah Blah Blah Blah……..Who am I kidding?  With a blog title like WillMarryForAJohnDeere, you know the best love song ever written has to be this ONE!!!

Yes, I am a hopeless romantic. And I will continue to use music as a way of conveying my feelings for that someone special until the day I die. Heck, knowing me I’ll set up some sort of gadget that randomly selects a song to post on her facebook wall everyday for all of eternity.  Only time will tell!

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